April 6, 2024

旧金山-纽约市-旧金山 问世间情为何物?

第一次看到这句:“问世间情为何物,直教人生死相许?”  是在中学时读金庸的‘神雕侠侣'。当年对爱情还是一片空白,觉得李莫愁是个有神经病的女人。她为了一个男人,把自己的一生都毁于她一份非常单面而执着的爱情。

在美国念书和生活的11年里,小公寓里唯有的中文书籍就是金庸一系列的武侠小说。 那么多年里,反反复复的,重读了好几遍金庸所有小说。 记得当时我的同伴,Philip,还问为什么我阅读速度那么的慢,那么多年了,我还是在阅读这几本小说。 我只是笑笑的对他说,我是在重读这几本小说,也没做多余的解释。  老外是很难理解什么是金庸迷或武侠迷的!

1985年夏,当时还是个黄毛小子,还没满合法年龄进入美国酒吧的21岁的我,和三个要好的同志朋友,马来西亚的阿坚(Kean),巴基斯旦的阿沙(Asad)和夏威夷土生土长的玛萧而(Marcel),结伴到世界同志首都旧金山一起游玩。 为了节省费用,我们乘大巴到芝加哥乘搭往旧金山的火车,在铁道走过了三份之二的美国大陆,经过还铺盖着雪的落基山脉(Rocky Moutain)前往这个西部的老城市,旧金山。

我是当时最小的一个,还没满21岁,不能合法进入有卖酒的同志酒吧Badlands,当时出橱的亚洲的同志不是很多,对老外来说,我们亚洲人的长像都是差不多一样,就利用了阿坚的身份证,浑水摸鱼的进入的酒吧。

在这坏天体里就认识了29岁的Philip,从此就被他那高大帅气的长像着迷,就深深的迷恋上了他,我生命里的第一个男人。 当时Philip才刚和他美国东北部老家(East Hartford)一起搬迁到旧金山的男朋友(David)分手。可能是Philip初和爱人分手,寂寞难耐,我又百般顺郎意。就这样,我把大部分旅游旧金山的时间花在和Philip在一起。 当时幼稚的我,又被中学阅读过的琼瑶小说,神圣化爱情,坚认自己对他付出的爱情是纯真的,还海誓山盟的“非他莫婚”的。 可完全没有想过当老外寂寞难耐时,他们会在酒吧寻找男伴,除了约会吃饭喝酒,甚至在床上作爱都是他们西方的文化。

认识Philip不到两个月,就要和他“谈婚论嫁”的,吓的对我们东方人一点都不理解的他大拿白旗。 一哭二闹三上吊的就戏剧化的示威Philip,当起刚认识的纽约游客Jeff旧金山的周末导游。Jeff当时应该是四十二三岁吧,也应该是对我这“中国人”和中国文化深感情趣,还是我操從他致使他买以张旧金山直飞纽约市的飞机票。就这样,我人生第一次到美国最繁华的城市,纽约市。

在纽约市,Jeff住的是Manhattan区,当时我还不知道Manhattan是纽约市里比较高级的住宅区。Jeff很疼惜我,除了让我吃好,也带我整个纽约市到处跑從Central Park, Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, Time Square, Grand Central Terminal,等等。让我一生难忘的是出席Jeff代表他出版社与一位新加坡印刷公司的女商人那一顿在Four Seasons Hotel商谈晚餐。招待员错把有价格的餐点给了我,Jeff即可把女顾客无价格的菜单换了给我,可能是担心我被那些菜单里的天价吓得不敢点才吃。我瞄了开胃菜一份竟然是美金九十元,我不敢想象正餐是有多贵啊!

Jeff要求我转校到纽约市,他承诺会在经济上助援我。由于我把Jeff当着是个朋友,丝毫无暧昧的感情,竟然在每一个晚上都用他家的电话打长途电话给Philip。在无可奈何的情况下,Jeff买了一张机票让我还回旧金山。在他家住了一个星期多,Jeff非常有绅士风度,虽然睡在同一张大床,他不曾强逼我不愿意做的事。时隔四十年,如果Jeff还健在,他大概也应该有80岁了。遥祝安康Jeff。那是我第一次到纽约市,但愿有朝一日可以重游纽约市。

June 18, 2013

夕阳无限好,只是近黄昏

由于最近感情的不顺意,心情感觉到特别的失落与迷茫。所以引用了李商隐的“夕阳无限好,只是近黄昏”来表达自己内心深处的感受。

李商隐在《登乐游原》里写的:“向晚意不适,驱车登古原;夕阳无限好,只是近黄昏” 跟我现在的感受肯定是两回事。他可能在感叹他晚年时的心境,就如一天的时光象徵人的一生,夕阳象徵老人的景况,而黄昏象徵老人的阶段,语气透露出因为老境而消极、悲观。

在每一个人的人生里,至少都有一段短暂的爱情直到找到人生里永远的生活伴侣。短暂的爱情有时候会出现在拥有了生活伴侣之后。好听的话,就是出现第三者,难听的话就是所谓的狐狸精。第三者的出现,有时候并不代表是个坏事,这可能就是一个人生的考验,考验一对伴侣的感情与关怀是否能达到永久厮守的条件。

通常,一个人对第三者的短暂感情都是充满了激情、甜蜜、向往、矛盾、罪恶的感觉,也被所有人指责贪新忘旧。其实,贪新是有的,忘旧却未必。在这矛盾与罪恶围绕着的感情,不管它有多甜蜜、多激情,它只会是短暂的。

无论如何,人是有感情的,不管是对原伴或是对第三者。虽然与第三者进入一段感情是很不应该,有时候确实是很无奈。但是,如果要与原伴修补长远的关系,就得把与第三者短暂的爱情化为黄昏里美丽的夕阳,珍惜它然后让它走入永远的黑夜。

其实,爱情,尤其是短暂的爱情,何尝不就象黄昏里美丽的夕阳呢? 

一抹斜阳来去匆忙,爱情就如斜阳一样,美丽短暂来去匆忙黄昏再美终要黑夜,人生也如黄昏一样,美丽短暂渺渺茫茫。























June 7, 2009

I Love You Man

It's a taboo for a man to say "I love you" to another man in any culture in our world especially that of Asian culture. The presumption is always made as homosexuality if a man dares enough to say "I love you" to another man. No one can deny that there is love between or among brothers, male cousins, male friends and male colleagues but normally not said out loud. What are men afraid of? Afraid of being classified as "soft", not masculine enough, as a particular group - homosexuals, that would put them in shame??

In my life, the only male friend I have ever said "I love you" to is Steven Ngo, my very good Vietnamese friend in California. I have only seen him three times since I moved back from San Francisco in 1994, twice when I went back to visit and once in Sydney recently in 3/2009.

I remember it was in Sydney Fitness First Center, when we were sweating away on the threadmills side by side. Suddenly, I was thinking of another very good friend of ours, Asad, and wishing he were with us. At that moment, I was so appreciative of life because after all these years, I could still meet Steven and having a good workout at the same gym on the other side of the planet. I just couldn't control myself and said to Steven how much I miss him in all these years and really love him as a friend, and my friendship for him is eternal. Steven reacted as "Tan, you are being too sentimental now!!", but I could tell, he was touched by what I said, and I am quite sure he felt the same for me.

Even if I never said "I love you" to Steven, I am quite sure he knows I love him dearly as a friend. It's definitely a different kind of feeling when it's said than felt. Saying "I love you" to a man, even a very very close friend, takes courage and lots of emotion...why is that?

In our male dominant society, we as men should break the ice, we should express ourselves and say what's in our mind out loud so that we would not be so suppressed by our emotion and sentiment. Let the love things out, to whoever you feel for, just say it "I love you" to anyone you care for or love regardless of sexes!!

When was the last time you said "I love you man" to a man?? And, are you man enough to say it??

For those men who still don't have the guts to say "I love you" to a man, please go to watch the movie, "I Love You Man"....learn something from the movie, it may serve you good in life!!!

February 20, 2009

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

It scared the heck out of me after reading the article in Time about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is a mental disorder illness that when human mind is unable to regulate emotions. It afflicts and tortures mind so severe that it causes patients to hurt themselves physically or in worse case, commit suicide if not treated. According to the article, patients must meet at least five of the nine criteria to get a diagnosis of BPD, they are: stress-related paranoia, inappropriate anger, chronic feelings of emptiness, mood instability, recurrent suicidal behavior, impulsivity, unstable self-image, unstable relationships and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

In different stages of my life especially in these few years, I have met not five but all those nine criteria. Does it mean I got a diagnosis of BPD? At times, when I am stressed out, I got paranoia; when things don’t go my way, I got really angry; I routinely feel empty in quiet lonely nights when my mind is not occupied; I have not got one stable relationship for the past 14 years; sometime, I am impulsive; because of aging, I have unstable self-image; when feeling really down, I would feel like there is no meanings in life (suicidal implication); my mood swings when I have a bad day; and I am terrified when I think of my old parents will abandon me (pass away) one day, I frantically call them to make sure they take their daily doses of medications for their old folks diseases and monitor or I should say order them to exercise daily.

My sister told me once that I really think too much and too far, she advised me to live life the way it is and let go of things that we have no control over. I know she is right about it, but for some reasons, I just can’t help myself….

I know, I am going to loose sleep over the thoughts….and I just ran out of sleeping pills, tonight is going to be a long night….

January 18, 2009

LV and Gucci

LV and Gucci have got overly popular in Asia, the phenomenon is just like overheated stock market, it feels like it's going to burst at any time.

When I visited Hong Kong in last August, I stayed at the Marco Polo Hotel in the Harbor City on Canton Road, Kowloon. This stretch of Canton Road is flourishing with all the world class branded boutiques like Hermes, Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Dolce & Gabbana, Versace, Yves Saint Laurent, Dior, Lanvin, Hugo Boss, Givenchy, Bottega Veneta, etc. etc...just name it, you'd find it! Almost every dressy shoppers, women or men, were carrying either LV or Gucci bags. It really made me feel like a natural jungle boy with a The North Face backpack clinging to my shoulder.

I am never a shopping craze, but being surrounded by all those fancily decorated world class boutiques, I couldn't help myself to snoop around. World class boutiques indeed have world class price tags on all their products. Amazingly, most of the customers in those boutiques especially LV and Gucci were Chinese speaking with very distinctive Mandarin accents from different parts of mainland China. The shopping scenes demonstrated LV and Gucci are very very popular in mainland China too.

In the 45-minute brunch at a typical Tawau coffee shop in late morning today, to my surprise, I saw about 10 Chinese women carrying LV or Gucci bags. Tawau, like most Malaysian towns, the economy is agriculturally dependent; but like Hong Kong, many women carry either LV or Gucci bags. Among these women, many of them carry the bags just because they want to have "face" to show in their social peers not because they are rich in cash.

For the working class women in Tawau, a LV or Gucci bag may be 3 to 10 times of their monthly salary. Lord, why do these women made such unwise decision just for a hand bag??



A typical Hong Kong street.

January 17, 2009

Dream Cage


After a few Martinis at Franco's house for Jeff's birthday party last night, I think I had enough alcohol for the month. To avoid alcohol drinking, I made an excuse not to attend a friend's brother's house warming party. I know if I were to attend, all those guys I used to hangout for fishing would make me drink, and that is the last thing I want for tonight although it is a Saturday night.

Home alone again on a Saturday night, I went through my Christmas present sent by Steven from San Francisco. It was very sweet of Steven to send me a box full of DVD's as Christmas present, Breakfast at Tiffany's by Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard is one of them. I was like, hey, this may be a good movie to watch for the night, the last time I saw this movie was more than 15 years ago.

Breakfast at Tiffany's is a movie depicting a young lost glamor girl played by Audrey Hepburn who uses a phony name and dreams to marry into the rich and high class society in New York City or anywhere in the world for that matter. She has built a "dream cage" that locks herself so deep inside that it makes her life miserable. Whenever she tries to run away from unhappiness, she ends up running into herself in the cage until the handsome poor writer played by George Peppard rescues her with his undemanding love.

In real life, people unintentionally build desperation, depression, perplexity, confusion...etc "cages" for themselves. We all have lived in one of these "cages" that we built at one time or another. Some may live in their "cages" for their lives, only the lucky ones got out of them in one piece....


1961 - Audrey Hepburn as the glamor girl in Breakfast at Tiffany's

January 9, 2009

Looking for myself (1)...

Being back to Malaysia for about 15 years, when things get complicated in life sometimes, I still tend to feel lost. The feeling is like I am not living in a life that I really wanted. Thus, I feel the need to look for my trues elf by going back to the place, San Francisco, where my mind became mature. I obstinately thought that the place where my mind grew up would be the best place for me to find my true self.
After debating for sometimes within myself, I finally decided to make a trip to San Francisco. I know, it really sounded complicated, but that was exactly how I felt when I decided to make the two-week trip to San Francisco attempting to find traces of me in the past and hopefully to find the “real me” in the present.
While waiting for Steven’s pick up at the San Francisco International Airport, it was intriguing that I could smell freedom in the air although it was full of smog and carbon dioxide exhausted from waiting and passing cars and taxis. I would have hated that smog filled disgusting environment if it were in Kuala Lumpur; but I didn’t mind that, and aberrantly I was loving it at that time!
Freedom in the air, it is so abstruse, what did it mean.....?
San Francisco Montgomery Station where I got off and walked to my work for years....