Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

It scared the heck out of me after reading the article in Time about Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). BPD is a mental disorder illness that when human mind is unable to regulate emotions. It afflicts and tortures mind so severe that it causes patients to hurt themselves physically or in worse case, commit suicide if not treated. According to the article, patients must meet at least five of the nine criteria to get a diagnosis of BPD, they are: stress-related paranoia, inappropriate anger, chronic feelings of emptiness, mood instability, recurrent suicidal behavior, impulsivity, unstable self-image, unstable relationships and frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

In different stages of my life especially in these few years, I have met not five but all those nine criteria. Does it mean I got a diagnosis of BPD? At times, when I am stressed out, I got paranoia; when things don’t go my way, I got really angry; I routinely feel empty in quiet lonely nights when my mind is not occupied; I have not got one stable relationship for the past 14 years; sometime, I am impulsive; because of aging, I have unstable self-image; when feeling really down, I would feel like there is no meanings in life (suicidal implication); my mood swings when I have a bad day; and I am terrified when I think of my old parents will abandon me (pass away) one day, I frantically call them to make sure they take their daily doses of medications for their old folks diseases and monitor or I should say order them to exercise daily.

My sister told me once that I really think too much and too far, she advised me to live life the way it is and let go of things that we have no control over. I know she is right about it, but for some reasons, I just can’t help myself….

I know, I am going to loose sleep over the thoughts….and I just ran out of sleeping pills, tonight is going to be a long night….